Finding Meaning In Grief

The grieving process is different for all of us. There is no single way to grieve and, even though there are various psychological models to help explain and better understand grief, it is widely acknowledged that there is no universal experience of loss.

When you have lost someone you love, it can be incredibly difficult to navigate the emotions you’re experiencing and find meaning in your loss. 

However, with time, compassion and support, it is possible to find meaning in grief and to honour your loved one in a way that also brings meaning to your life. 

Before we get into finding meaning specifically, it helps to look at the five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her Change Curve^Ⓡ.

The five stages of grief

The five stages of grief that Kübler-Ross identified are:

• Shock and denial
• Anger and frustration
• Bargaining and reflection
• Depression or sadness
• Acceptance and integration

It’s important to note that these are not stages you will pass through in a linear fashion. You may even experience more than one of them at the same time. Often you will move back and forth between them. This is a very normal way to experience grief.

You may not experience one or more of the stages set out here either. The purpose of Kübler-Ross’ work was to help people like you better understand grief, although her work has since been applied to coping with change in many settings. 

Kübler-Ross also worked with grief expert David Kessler, who added a sixth stage to those originally described: finding meaning.

This revelation came after David lost his son unexpectedly. In an interview with the Guardian, he explained that this led to him reaching a stage beyond acceptance. “It was finding meaning: the possibility of being able to discover something meaningful in my grief.”

What does finding meaning in grief relate to?

Kessler stresses that finding meaning in grief does not mean focusing on the moment or manner of a loved one’s passing, but instead in focusing on how they lived their life, what they taught you and how you can carry their memory forward. 

What that meaning looks like for you will be very personal. It can also take time for you to find that meaning. Just as there is no set timeframe for grieving, so too there is no standard length of time it will take to find meaning in your loss.

You may also find meaning in your grief without understanding why your loved one passed when they did. 

The idea of finding meaning in grief is to look within, at how both your grief and the life of the person you cared deeply about have changed you and how you can honour that shift in your life moving forward. 

Questions to help you begin the process of finding meaning

In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, Kessler shares a series of questions you can reflect on when you reach a stage in your journey where you feel ready to do so. 

The concept of finding meaning is grounded in “remembering those who have died with more love than pain”.

The following reflection questions can be a useful place to begin, but be gentle with yourself. There is no need to rush this process, nor to sit with any of these questions for a long time: 

• What did your loved one value?
• What have you learned to value, and how is that different from what you valued before your loved one passed?
• What do you know about life that you didn’t know before?
• How have you changed?
• How has your loved one’s life changed you, and how did their love change you?

You may want to keep a journal throughout this process, as writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you to process them. 

Other ways to help you find meaning in grief

There are many ways to find meaning in your grief and the best way for you to approach this part of your journey will differ from other people. That’s normal, as we said at the start of this blog, there is no right or wrong way to do this. 

The following are some other ways to help you find meaning in a loss:

Hold a celebration of your loved one’s life

Hosting a Celebration of Life Memorial Service can be a wonderful way to honour your loved one and bring everyone in their life together to consider the imprint they left on you and the others around them.

Some people choose this personalised form of service instead of a traditional funeral service, but there is no reason why you can’t arrange a Celebration of Life Memorial Service further down the line.

One of the most beautiful parts of these services is when everyone shares their stories about the person you all loved. This can give you an insight into the impact they had in every part of their lives and help you see just how much your loved one meant to others. 

If you have planted a Living Memorial Tree in their honour, this provides the ideal setting for a small gathering where you can remember them and talk about how their presence in your life left a positive mark. 

Attend a bereavement café

We host regular bereavement cafés within our parks to give you a safe space to talk about your loss and feelings with others who are experiencing their own grief. You can share as much or as little as you would like. 

You can talk about your loved one and your memories together, you can open up about your grief, you can simply sit and listen to others talking about their experiences and take comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Sometimes talking about your loved one with people who didn’t know them can help you see them in a different light and highlight other ways in which they brought meaning and value to your life. 

Create your own remembrance ritual

Creating your own ritual for remembering your loved one can be a valuable way to help you find meaning in your grief. The idea is to find a way and place where you can remember them with feelings of love and comfort. 

Many people find our green Burial Parks become a sanctuary in themselves, so spending time at your loved one’s final resting place, surrounded by the beauty of nature, could be a good place to start.