Death comes to us all, but end-of-life planning is a discussion that most of us try to avoid. Advanced planning involves making thoughtful decisions about your final arrangements before they’re needed, sparing loved ones from difficult decisions during their time of grief. 

While these conversations are difficult and uncomfortable, they provide an opportunity for you to express your wishes, ease financial and emotional burdens, and create space for heartfelt goodbyes ahead of time. Advanced planning also allows you to consider every detail about your send-off – including how and where you’d like to be buried. 

This blog offers helpful advice on how you can initiate these challenging discussions with your friends and family. By addressing your plans and wishes before your death, you can turn an emotionally charged and potentially upsetting process into an act of love, care and compassion for those who matter the most. 

What are the benefits of end-of-life planning?

End-of-life planning is a beneficial process for both you and your loved ones. Here are some of the positive outcomes of being prepared before you die:  

  • You can take the emotional and financial burden away from your family during a difficult time 
  • You can pay for your service and plot in advance, tying up financial loose ends 
  • You can plan the exact type of funeral and memorial service you want and also have control over how you’d like to be remembered 
  • You can assign power of attorney to someone you trust should you be unable to make decisions in later life 
  • You can update your will to reflect your wishes, ensuring they’re respected and followed 
  • You’ll be able to select your final resting place or memorial 

Above all else, you’ll gain peace of mind that your wishes will be honoured in the way you intended, with your legacy living on long after your death.  

How to have difficult conversations about advanced planning

Create the right environment

It’s very important to create the right setting. This won’t be an easy conversation, so choose a quiet, private space where everyone feels comfortable and able to freely express their feelings. Avoid bringing up the topic of advanced planning during holidays or family celebrations. Instead, find a time when everyone is relatively relaxed and not distracted by other events. Plus, having these talks in person rather than over the phone allows you to read body language and respond to emotional cues more effectively. 

Depending on your family dynamics, you should think about who you’d like to include in the conversation. You should also consider whether to approach the topic one-on-one or involve multiple family members all at once.  

Start the conversation

Beginning discussions about end-of-life planning requires a level of sensitivity. Rather than announcing, “We need to talk about what I want to happen when I die,” try less direct approaches such as: 

  • “I’ve been thinking about updating my will, and I realised we’ve never discussed my wishes for when I die.” 
  • “I read an article about how planning ahead can really help families during difficult times. What are your thoughts on this?” 
  • “After attending [Name’s] funeral, I realised I would want some things done differently. I’d like to share my thoughts with you about what I’d like at my funeral.” 

Approaching the idea of end-of-life planning carefully and sensitively helps turn what could be a morbid discussion into a gentler, more productive conversation that everyone benefits from. 

Address emotional resistance 

It’s natural for loved ones to resist these difficult conversations. Some common responses include:  

  • Deflection: “We don’t need to talk about that now.” 
  • Denial: “That’s so far away.” 
  • Discomfort: “I really don’t want to think about this.” 

 When faced with resistance, acknowledge their feelings: “I understand this is uncomfortable, and I find it difficult too.” Explain that these discussions are ultimately about supporting each other and honouring your wishes.  

 Sometimes, sharing why advanced planning matters to you personally can help break through resistance: “It would give me peace of mind to know we’ve discussed this together before I die.” If someone becomes visibly upset, it’s okay to pause and continue the conversation another time. 

Try to move beyond the taboo

Our collective reluctance to discuss death and what happens afterwards often stems from superstition, fear or a lack of understanding on how to start the conversation. To move past these barriers: 

  • Normalise the conversation by sharing stories of others who have benefited from advanced planning. This could be from someone you know or an article you read about someone who’s been through the same thing 
  • Use neutral, straightforward language rather than euphemisms. This helps keep the conversation clear and concise, allowing your wishes to be fully understood 
  • Acknowledge that planning doesn’t quicken death but simply prepares everyone for an inevitable life change 
  • Focus on how planning benefits those left behind rather than dwelling on the idea of death 

Remember that breaking taboos often requires multiple conversations, so you may need to sit down often with loved ones to have your wishes heard. Similarly, don’t rush or pressure your friends and family to have conversations they’re not ready to have. Lay the foundations and work at a pace you’re all comfortable with.  

Document your wishes clearly 

When having conversations about advanced planning, make a physical note of key decisions. Include clear details on: 

  • Your preferences for a burial, cremation or even a donation to medical science 
  • Where you’d like to be buried 
  • The type of memorial service you’d like to have 
  • Whether your service should follow religious or cultural traditions 
  • Which readings, music or tributes you’d like to have 
  • Budget considerations and payment arrangements 

Rather than relying on memory, create written or typed records of your wishes. You might even benefit from speaking with a funeral director to help with the more complicated aspects of advanced planning.  

Be mindful of financial implications

The financial aspects of funeral planning can be daunting for both you and your family. When discussing costs: 

  • Present information factually, with all the prices laid out clearly and hidden costs factored in
  • Acknowledge that financial decisions are personal and reflect different values
  • Discuss pre-payment options and their benefits and drawbacks
  • Be transparent about who will be responsible for various costs when you die

Paying for your funeral or burial plot in advance will alleviate the financial burden on your loved ones. However, this isn’t possible for every family. Speaking openly and honestly about the true state of your finances and what may need to be covered in the future means everyone will be prepared ahead of time.  

End-of-life planning requires several key components. Read our simple step-by-step guide on what to consider when pre-planning your funeral and learn why it’s a beneficial process for you and your loved ones.