Losing your mother or a motherly figure can be one of the most emotional and painful experiences you’ll ever go through. 

This blog will guide you through a myriad of emotions you may be experiencing and will provide useful tips on how to support children grieving the loss of a mother.

Missing your Mum on special occasions

If you are struggling with grief of losing your mother or a motherly figure, special occasions such as Mother’s Day, Christmas, Birthday’s or anniversaries can be challenging. Below we’ve compiled five useful tips to help you deal with loss.

Be kind to yourself – There are five stages of grief from denial to acceptance and you may experience each stage at different times. Understanding these different stages will help you to realise that all the strange feelings you are feeling are perfectly normal.

Talk to your loved ones or friends – By sharing your fondest memories and stories of your mother with someone, can help keep their memory alive and bring some sense of comfort.

Do an activity your mum would love – From cooking her favourite meal, baking a cake, a spot of gardening or even watching one of her favourite TV shows/ Films.

Visit their grave or memorial spot – Taking the time to visit your mother’s grave or memorial spot can help bring you some comfort and time to reflect. 

Practice self-care – Take the day to love and nurture yourself. Run yourself a hot bath, practise yoga, sing, dance, do things that make you smile.

Ask for help – Losing a parent or loved one can be a difficult process, there is no shame in asking for help or extra support if you feel like you are struggling. It maybe helpful to speak to someone outside of your family and friend circle such as your GP or a bereavement specialist. 

NHS approved, Cruse Bereavement Care offers a wide range of support, advice and information to children, young people and adults when someone dies.

Supporting grieving children

For a child who has recently suffered the loss of a mother or motherly figure, the feelings of grief can feel confusing and frustrating. 

Be patient – Children process and express grief differently from adults. Children may go from playing and laughing one minute to floods of tears the next. Be patient with them and let them know that it is ok to feel this way.

Consistency is key – Try to maintain household routines such as mealtimes, bedtimes etc. as much as possible. Structure and consistency are important to a child as they will help to create a sense of security.

Answer their questions – Naturally, children ask a lot of questions and this is no different when it comes to death. Answering any questions children might have about death and why it happens, will help give them a better understanding as to why they are experiencing certain emotions. If you find some questions too difficult to answer, there are many children’s books available that can help explain death in a ‘child friendly’ manner. You can find a list of over 60 children’s books on the topic of death and grief here.

Create a ‘Memory Box’ – Filling a box with photos, keepsakes and other special items is a great activity to do with children to help them feel more connected to a lost one. It is also a tangible item that children can keep going back to when they are feeling sad. https://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Memory-Box

If you are concerned that your child is struggling to cope or have noticed any unusual behavioural changes, you can seek further help and advice from your GP or organisations like Child Bereavement UK and Hope Again.

Prioritising your health and wellbeing

It can be difficult to think of anything else when dealing with grief, but taking some time to focus on the importance of your health and wellbeing can be beneficial, and can even help clear your mind.

Heart disease, Alzheimer’s, Cancer and other non-communicable diseases (NCDs) are the most common cause of death and disability in women worldwide.

Losing a loved one to a disease such as cancer can spark worry into your own health and wellbeing. However, there are steps you can take to help reduce your risks of cancer: 

Tobacco use – Tobacco use is the single largest preventable cause of death worldwide and is the leading cause of over 7 million deaths per year. Quitting at any age can make a huge difference, increasing your life expectancy and improving your quality of life.

Physical Activity – Maintaining a healthy weight and making physical activity part of your everyday life can help reduce your risks of cancer and other health problems, such as heart disease and diabetes.

Alcohol – By reducing and limiting how much you drink, can reduce your risk of 7 cancers including breast, mouth and bowel cancers.

If you are worried about cancer in your family – If you have recently lost your mother or another strong female figure in your family to cancer and are worried if it could be hereditary, the Ovarian Cancer Action website offers a ‘Hereditary Cancer Risk Tool’ which can help to assess your risks of developing certain cancers.

Early detection saves lives – There are many different types of cancers, and symptoms are varied, however, the earlier cancer is detected the higher the chance that it can be successfully treated.

If you are concerned about your health or have experienced any unusual symptoms or changes in your body, don’t be afraid to contact your doctor immediately.

References:

https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/fast_facts/index.htm#:~:text=Smoking%20is%20the%20leading%20cause,7%20million%20deaths%20per%20year.&text=If%20the%20pattern%20of%20smoking,to%20tobacco%20use%20by%202030.

https://ovarian.org.uk/

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/cancer

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/causes-of-cancer/alcohol-and-cancer

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

https://www.hopeagain.org.uk/

https://www.worldcancerday.org/

https://waltercarter.com.au/blog/lost-without-her-missing-your-mum-on-mothers-day

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/supporting-bereaved-children-and-young-people

Nothing can prepare you for how you might feel when someone close to you dies, whether it’s expected or not. It can feel overwhelming, devastating and strange, all at the same time. There’s lots to organise. And it can be difficult to know where to start.

We don’t tend to talk much about death, burial or the kind of funeral you might want. But it’s worth remembering that writing down your own wishes now can take stress and worry away from the people you love most when it’s their turn to make the arrangements.

Some people find comfort in the practical tasks they need to carry out. Of course, it helps if someone has planned ahead and left details of what they’d like, including where they’d like to be buried. If not, and if you haven’t arranged a burial before, here’s a guide to what you need to know.

  • standing at funeral of her loved one

What to do next

If your loved one dies in a care home or hospital, there should be someone to guide you through what to do next and how to register the death. This involves visiting the nearest Registry Office to where the person has died, taking along the medical certificate of death that’s been signed by a doctor. The Registrar will give you a green form that means a burial can go ahead. You will need to hand this to the Funeral Director you’ve chosen, if you have decided to use one, and not everyone does. You’ll also need to ask for extra copies of the death certificate to settle other affairs such as bank accounts. You’ll need to pay for the first and any additional copies of this certificate.

The Funeral Director is your friend

You might not have met before, but your Funeral Director is the expert who can advise you about all aspects of the funeral and burial. If you don’t feel comfortable about going to their office, most will be happy to come and see you at home, or speak by phone, which feel more relaxed.

At your first meeting, there will be lots of questions. Take your time and don’t feel under pressure to agree to anything you’re not happy about. There shouldn’t be any pressure, for example, about choosing the coffin, car or flowers. And if you at anytime feel that the Funeral Director you have chosen is not suitable for your needs, or they aren’t listening to what you want, you have the option to choose a different one. You are well within your rights to do this. This relationship, although a short one, is going to be important over the next few weeks.

If your loved one hasn’t left any directions, you’ll need to make the decisions about whether you want a funeral service and, if you do, where it will be held. The Funeral Director will also discuss whether the body is to be embalmed, ask where your loved one is to be buried (this may also affect the type of coffin that’s permitted), and whether you’ve thought about what might be placed on top of the coffin. And you’ll also need to discuss what clothes you’d like your loved one to be buried in and whether any personal items are to be buried with them (again, the type of burial site may affect which items can be included).

The funeral service

You might already have a good idea of whether you’re going to have a service and, if so, where it will be, who will lead it and who should deliver the eulogy. Or you may not. You’ll need to find time to discuss these details with family or friends and work with your Funeral Director to create an Order of Service. Don’t underestimate how difficult it can be to deliver a eulogy if you’re a close relative or friend of the person who has died. It’s one of the most challenging tasks you could take on at such an emotional time. If you are not used to public speaking and prefer not to deliver this your friends and family will understand.

Sometimes, a person’s religious faith affects how soon after death the funeral needs to take place. But in many cases, funerals take place over a week afterwards, to give people who may live further away time to plan their travel.

Funeral services are usually held before the body is buried, while memorial services can be arranged a while later. In some service halls, the ceremony can be recorded and live-streamed to mourners who aren’t able to attend. And some people choose a graveside service at the burial site instead of a service hall.

 

Covid-19 restrictions

Currently, there are some restrictions that affect funeral arrangements. Your Funeral Director will be able to advise you about the latest rules. Alternatively you can visit Gov.uk website for the most recent updates.

 

Choosing a burial plot

If your loved one hasn’t left a note of their wishes, you’ll need to consider not only where they should be buried, but any restrictions that apply to the cemetery, including the type of coffin that can be used. In a traditional graveyard, you can choose pretty much any type of coffin or casket (including metal caskets) you wish, and the site can be marked with a headstone, mausoleum or burial vault.

Nowadays, many people are choosing more environmentally friendly burials, and these come with some restrictions. In most sites, a simple shroud can be used instead of a coffin and there are some restrictions on the type of coffin that can be used. For example, in a natural burial site, the coffin should be made of biodegradable materials, without metal handles, and there should be no other materials in the coffin that don’t break down naturally. Some woodland burial sites, such as GreenAcres parks, have slightly different/flexible criteria that allow any type of coffin with the exception of zinc lined and metal caskets in their woodland. However, their parklands do allow metal caskets to be interred, but your Funeral Director and the cemetery will be able to advise you about these.

 

Finding the right way to remember

Modern cemeteries are designed to be a place for the living. That means they’re spaces where people want to meet, spend time, walk and reflect on a loved one.

Many private cemeteries offer a choice of burial site so that traditional areas can accommodate a headstone or mausoleum, whereas woodland areas might have more discreet memorials, simple wooden posts or ‘living memorials’ such as trees that will outlast those who chose them. Or there’s the option of having an unmarked grave that, over time, becomes an integral part of the surrounding natural environment.

In a contemporary burial site like GreenAcres, it’s really up to you. You can consider an oak memorial post or memorial plaque or even a ‘living memorial’ like a tree or a natural habitat for wildlife such as a bird box.

 

Staying together

Sometimes a couple wish to stay together not only in life but also after they’ve died. Finding a private garden or a woodland glade where your loved one can be buried, but that also leaves space for a partner to follow, is a popular choice.

Marked burial plots, with double-depth graves, at GreenAcres mean that a second person can be laid to rest with their loved one in the future.

In some areas of GreenAcres parks, there is also an option to reserve several spaces in private gardens and woodland glades, meaning families and friends can be buried close together.

 

How can you safeguard a burial plot for the future?

Some organisations give you the option of buying a long lease on a burial plot. This means it’s protected for future generations, who won’t have to bear the financial burden of renewing the lease or the guilt if they don’t. Private cemeteries like GreenAcres offer the flexibility of choosing from a variety of lease periods from 25 years to the life of the park.

 

What makes modern burials different?

For a growing number of people, the focus is on sustainability, biodiversity, quality of service and choice.

At GreenAcres, you can choose a burial plot in one of the six beautiful parks, located in different parts of the country. Depending on which of the parks you select, there’s a choice of woodland, meadows and lawns within acres of protected parkland.

 

Where can I go for more information?

Funeral Guide gives you step-by-step information on what to do when someone dies.

Tell Us Once is a service that enables you to report a death to most government organisations in one go.

 

Find out more about organising a burial at GreenAcres.

Thanks for the memory
Of Schubert’s Serenade
Little things of jade
And traffic jams
And anagrams
And bills we never paid…
(From ‘Thanks for the memory’. Lyrics by Leo Robin)

 

The first memorial most of us create to someone we have loved is a funeral service. This gives us an opportunity to share memories, as well as photos, and to talk about the person who has died. However, it can be difficult to plan this, often at short notice, so it does justice to the memory of a loved one in the time allowed. Some venues offer more flexible options, for example, longer services to accommodate your requirements.

Recent Covid-19 restrictions, that limit the number of mourners who can attend a funeral, have made it more challenging at some venues to plan the funeral or memorial service you wanted. Venues such as GreenAcres parks can incorporate live-streaming or recording of services so you can share them with many more people.

Of course, there are other ways – both traditional and less conventional – to remember your loved one and celebrate their life. You don’t need to involve a funeral director if you’re organising a memorial service after a burial or cremation, or to commemorate the life of the person you loved in the way you wish. This can normally be arranged directly with the venue.

While many people choose to arrange for a traditional, permanent memorial, such as a headstone or mausoleum, others choose to scatter their loved one’s ashes in a place the person enjoyed visiting, perhaps a special spot in the countryside or at sea.

Living memorials


With increasing awareness of our impact on the environment, living memorials such as planting a native tree offer a ‘greener’ way to commemorate a loved one, as well as providing habitats for a range of wildlife. Parks, such as GreenAcres, have a range of native trees selected by the Grounds Team that a family can choose from. Or you can plant a biodegradable urn that, along with the surrounding soil, nurtures a tree or wildflowers with your loved one’s ashes.

Woodland memorials


Within burial parks and woodland cemeteries, like GreenAcres, you have the option of creating a memorial that’s also a natural habitat for birds, bees, owls, butterflies or bats. And at GreenAcres Parks, you can choose to commemorate your loved one in beautiful surroundings, regardless of whether or not they have been laid to rest at one of our parks.

It’s traditional for graves in natural environments to be marked with a simple oak plaque, with an inscription of your choice. You can also place a memorial bench or other memorial in some burial parklands, along with an engraved plaque to your loved one.

Personal keepsakes


Personal keepsakes are designed to hold a small quantity of ashes. The wonderful thing about them is they can provide the opportunity for every member of the family to retain a treasured memory of their own should they so wish.

Keeping your loved one close


Some people achieve a feeling of having their loved one close to them by keeping some ashes in a cuddly toy. And there’s an increasingly popular trend, mixing ashes with body ink to create a permanent tattoo, to keep someone you love permanently close to your body. Ashes can also be incorporated into memorial jewellery or ornaments, a popular way of feeling near to someone you have lost.

Reaching for the skies


Families are increasingly looking for more original and personalised ways to remember someone, such as scattering their ashes during a tandem skydive, creating a vinyl record that contains compressed ashes, or saying goodbye via a professional memorial firework containing cremated ashes.

Burying ashes at home


Some people bury all or some of the ashes in their garden, although it’s worth considering what might happen if you move to a new home in the future, which might make it difficult to visit your loved one’s resting place.

Planning your own memorial


While it might seem strange to consider how you’d like to be remembered after your death, planning ahead can give you peace of mind. It can also help your family at a difficult time, by knowing they’re doing what you’d have wanted.

If you haven’t already thought about whether you’d want to be buried or cremated, and where you wish to be laid to rest, visiting a contemporary cemetery such as GreenAcres can help you to make some of those difficult decisions. You’re welcome to arrange a tour and talk things through with a member of the team.

GreenAcres parks provide a beautiful setting for your final resting place with many opportunities to represent the way you wish to be remembered for years to come.

 

And, unlike many other cemeteries, when you purchase a plot in any of the parks (whether for a Full Burial or an Ash Interment), you can choose the place you want to be buried from a variety of beautiful settings. You can also select the type of funeral or memorial service you want. 

Anyone who’s suffered a loss knows that grief isn’t a linear process. Grief comes and goes and varies with intensity, which means for some, the second year of grief can be harder than the first 12 months. Once the initial shock starts to fade, there’s the reality that this change is forever, unveiling layers of feelings and emotions. 

There’s no timeline for when grief should fade. Everyone grieves differently, too, but the most important thing is having a solid support system you can rely on during your darkest days.   

5 reasons why the second year of grief can be harder 

1. Reality starts to kick in  

In the early stages of grief, shock and disbelief provide a temporary cushion against the harsh impact of loss. There are many important things to deal with in the immediate aftermath of death, like making funeral arrangements and closing accounts. However, these protective shields weaken throughout the second year, forcing those left behind to confront the absence of loved ones who are no longer around. 

Planning for the future without a loved one isn’t an easy process. You’re heading out of the survival stage and into a more permanent reality, which brings many challenges and emotions. It’s important to embrace this period with patience and self-compassion to allow yourself to come to terms with the loss and start building your new future.  

2. Grief can take you by surprise 

Two years is a relatively short amount of time in the landscape of grief. During this time, it can be so easy to forget – even for a split second – that your loved one is no longer with you. These fleeting moments can be as painful as the initial shock of their passing. 

Similarly, within the first few years, birthdays and anniversaries that once marked special occasions are poignant reminders of grief. While they can turn into a celebration of your loved one’s life as time goes by, these milestones often carry the weight of sadness in the first few years after a loss.  

If you’re finding it difficult to face anniversaries and special occasions after a death, read our blog post for some tips and advice on how to approach them.  

3. Things won’t necessarily feel better 

Time can be a healer for many people, but things don’t always feel easier in the second year. While the initial shock of the death may subside fairly quickly, the ache of grief lingers for a lot longer. Moments of respite may be engulfed by waves of sadness, serving as a stark reminder that grief is a non-linear process.   

For parents and grandparents who have lost a child or grandchild, time passing can bring so much pain. Milestones like starting school, passing exams and graduations are missed and carry a lifetime of loss.   

The death of a child is unparalleled – that’s why Child Bereavement UK offers a range of resources on how to understand these feelings, as well as providing additional support should you need it.   

4. You may need to make significant life changes  

The second year of grief may be the time when you have to consider certain things, like downsizing your home or picking up extra hours in your job. Whether this is because you need a new challenge or have to adapt to a new financial situation, change can take you out of your comfort zone, making it a difficult experience full of unknowns.  

Change not only amplifies that your loved one is no longer around, but for many, the idea of ‘moving on’ can feel like a betrayal. These are difficult emotions for anyone to bear.  

However, changes can be positive. The person you have lost would want you to find joy again – it might just be a different joy from what you are used to. Many people who have gone through a similar situation find they are surprised by their own strength and courage. Perhaps you might be, too.  

5. Support may not be as readily available  

Immediately after a death, those around you tend to offer an abundance of support and sympathy. But this may change in the second year, with people moving on with their lives and forgetting to check-in. While this may not be intentional, it can be painful, nonetheless. It’s important that if you need help, you’re able to get it. Several resources and groups are available, including Cruse Bereavement Support and our friendly Bereavement Groups at our local Parks. See details about this at the bottom of the blog.  

How to navigate the second year of grief  

Here are some ways you can support yourself during the second year of grief: 

Get the support you need with GreenAcres 

At GreenAcres, we’re here to offer you the help you need to navigate your journey with grief. You’re welcome to join us at your local Park for our Bereavement Group, where you’ll find a kind and supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. We promise you a warm welcome from our experienced and compassionate team along with tea, coffee and cake! This event is FREE for anyone bereaved in the local community surrounding the Park. Find out more and sign up to an event here.  

 Our blog is also full of useful tips and advice on where to turn to if you need extra support. And if you need a friendly ear to talk to, please reach out to our experienced team who will do all they can to guide you through the most difficult times.  

 

Mother’s Day and the build-up to it can be an incredibly triggering time – especially if you had a difficult relationship with your mum. Whether you had a falling out, a toxic relationship or hadn’t spoken in a long time, this blog will help you understand your emotions and how to deal with them as Mother’s Day approaches.  

 Although you’ll be confronted with a myriad of complicated emotions, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to prioritise your own wellbeing, regardless of what other people might think. 

Making sense of complicated feelings  

You may have had a difficult relationship with your mum, but that doesn’t mean you won’t experience feelings of grief on Mother’s Day. Unsurprisingly, however, those feelings can be complicated and confusing. During this time, you might feel: 

While most people feel pain after death, the grief that comes when someone you had a complicated relationship with dies can be heightened. You may feel ‘stuck’ in an endless cycle of suffering that doesn’t go away. You might start to blame yourself for what went wrong in your relationship or obsess about interactions you had with your mum when she was alive. These feelings are normal, but they in no way reflect you as a person.  

However you feel, take care of yourself, seek support from understanding friends or professionals if needed, and focus on activities that bring you comfort and joy. 

How to work through complicated grief on Mother’s Day 

Sadly, it’s not always possible to find the closure you want or need. You’ll no doubt have good days and bad days – but ultimately, you may need to learn to live with the feelings you have. Even if you didn’t have a positive relationship with your mother, it can be helpful to acknowledge what she meant to you while she was alive.  

Remember – there’s no normal way to grieve. After a death, many people feel: 

They might also see or hear the person who died and go over every detail of their death. Cruse Bereavement Support covers this in detail on their website. It’s worth having a read through their article on understanding grief, as it may help you to realise that all the strange feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal. 

In the meantime, here are some things that might help you come to terms to your loss: 

Journal your feelings 

If you’re left with guilt or regret, it may help you to write down your emotions in a journal. Journaling is a helpful way of coming to terms with grief – or at least understanding how you feel in that moment. You could also try writing a letter to your mum noting everything you need to say. Many people take comfort in writing down their emotions as it allows them to articulate more clearly.  

Be honest 

The first step in moving forward is to be honest about how you feel – even if your emotions make you uncomfortable. Whether you’re jealous of other people and their relationship with their mums or feel bitter about the situation you are in, it’s important to realise that these feelings are normal and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.  

Explain how you feel 

You might encounter conflict with your friends and family due to the complex relationship you had with your mum. This can make grief harder for everyone. Everyone reacts to death in their own way, but not everyone sees eye to eye in the immediate aftermath of a loved one passing. 

Though difficult, it might help to have an honest conversation with those close to you about how you feel any why your grieving process looks different to theirs. Otherwise, they may come up with incorrect conclusions.  

When you lose someone you love, meeting others who can relate to how you feel can help. Our Bereavement Groups offer a kind, supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. We promise you a warm welcome from our experienced and compassionate team along with tea, coffee and cake! Find your nearest group here.  

If you’re feeling anxious or upset in the run up to Mother’s Day, read our guide on how to deal with the grief of losing a mother. You may find some valuable tips on how to put yourself first, as well as getting through the day itself. 

If you ever have to plan your own or a loved one’s funeral, one of the things you’ll need to think about is choosing the right songs. The music you choose doesn’t have to be sombre. While traditional funerals commemorate those who have passed with hymns and organ music, funeral songs can be light-hearted, humorous and even upbeat. The most important thing is that the music you choose reflects your loved one and gives mourners the chance to celebrate their life.  

Choosing music can be a tricky task, so we’ve compiled a list of the most popular funeral songs to help ease some of the burden of arranging a funeral.  

Most popular modern funeral songs 

With funerals becoming more personalised and unique, it’s becoming increasingly popular to remember your loved one with modern music. Here are some of the most popular contemporary songs you might want to consider.   

  1. Fleetwood Mac – Songbird 
  2. Candle In The Wind – Elton John 
  3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow – Eva Cassidy 
  4. Angels – Robbie Williams 
  5. You Raise Me Up – Westlife 
  6. Flying Without Wings – Westlife 
  7. Angel – Sarah McLachlan 
  8. Supermarket Flowers – Ed Sheeran 
  9. I’ll Be Missing You – Puff Daddy & Faith Evans 
  10. Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton 
  11. Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler 
  12. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd 

Most popular hymns 

Hymns are a particularly popular choice for religious funerals. As they’re familiar to most of us, hymns bring mourners together and provide comfort as they say their goodbyes. These are the most well-known for you to consider.  

  1.  Jerusalem 
  2. Amazing Grace 
  3. Abide With Me 
  4. The Old Rugged Cross 
  5. All Things Bright and Beautiful 
  6. My Lord’s My Shepherd 
  7. How Great Art Thou 
  8. Lord of All Hopefulness 
  9. Morning Has Broken 
  10. Here I Am Lord 

Most popular classical funeral songs 

Classical music is moving and emotional, making it one of the most popular choices for funerals. Some pieces are haunting and dramatic, while others are more uplifting, setting the scene for a timeless and respectful funeral service. Here are some of the most popular classical songs. 

  1. Lacrimosa from Requiem – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 
  2. Pie Jesu – Fauré 
  3. Air on a G String – Bach 
  4. Nimrod from Enigma Variations – Elgar 
  5. Adagio – Albinoni 
  6. The Four Seasons – Vivaldi 
  7. Ave Maria – Schubert 
  8. Canon in D – Paachelbel 
  9. Andrea Bocelli – Time To Say Goodbye 
  10. The Lark Ascending – Vaughan Williams 

Most popular sports music 

Playing a song, anthem or theme tune associated with your loved one’s favourite sport or team is a touching way to pay tribute to them. Each team has its own tune, but here are some of the most widely known.   

  1. You’ll Never Walk Alone (Liverpool FC anthem) – Gerry and the Pacemakers 
  2. Match of the Day Theme Song 
  3. The Chain (Formula 1 theme song) – Fleetwood Mac 
  4. The Best (Rangers FC) – Tina Turner 
  5. Going Home (Newcastle United) – Mark Knopfler 

Uplifting funeral songs 

Sad and sombre funeral songs don’t suit everyone. If your loved one had a wicked sense of humour or you want to lighten the mood with an upbeat tune, these songs are the perfect way to celebrate someone who loved life and maintained their spirit until the very end.  

  1.  My Way – Frank Sinatra 
  2. The Best – Tina Turner 
  3. (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
  4. Heroes – David Bowie 
  5. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python 
  6. Bring Me Sunshine – Morecambe and Wise 
  7. What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong 
  8. We’ll Meet Again – Vera Lynn
  9. Don’t Worry. Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin 
  10. I’m Gonna Live Till I Die – Frank Sinatra 

If you’re pre-planning your funeral or dealing with the loss of a loved one and need some support, we’re here for you. For more information about pre-planning or to join us at one of our remembrance events or monthly Bereavement Groups, please visit our website. 

Grief doesn’t always happen after a death. If a loved one becomes ill or receives a terminal diagnosis, it’s possible to grieve for them before they’ve passed away. You know they’re going to die – you just can’t be sure of when. That’s a tough burden for anyone to bear. 

Feelings of grief before a death can be overwhelming, so it’s important to seek help before your mental health starts to suffer. This article will guide you through this challenging journey by offering advice on what anticipatory grief is and how you can support yourself. 

What is anticipatory grief? 

Anticipatory grief is a type of grief that happens before someone you love passes away – often when they have a terminal illness, like dementia or cancer, or suffer a significant decline in their health. Anticipatory grief can start weeks, months and even years before the actual loss and stays with you until your loved one’s passing.  

What’s the difference between anticipatory grief and conventional grief?  

Grief comes in two forms: anticipatory grief and conventional grief. While anticipatory grief is the emotional response that occurs before the actual loss, conventional grief is the immediate emotional response following the loss of a loved one.  

Anticipatory grief is like looking ahead at death, while conventional grief looks back. Anticipatory grief can be even more difficult to bear because there’s always that small glimmer of hope that your loved one might get better or win their fight against their illness. Conventional grief is about coming to terms with the reality that they’re no longer here, leaving you to find a new way to carry their memory with you. 

What emotions might you feel with anticipatory grief? 

Anticipatory grief can trigger a range of different emotions, many of which come and go depending on your loved one’s condition on any given day. You might feel: 

Anticipatory grief can be incredibly exhausting, especially if your loved one has been battling an illness for a long time. The constant cycle of worry and anticipation becomes a huge part of your daily life, making it difficult to focus on work, family and other commitments.  

You may also find yourself postponing birthdays, celebrations and holidays while you wait for your loved one to pass. While this is normal with anticipatory grief, it can make feelings of guilt much worse.  

How to support yourself through anticipatory grief 

If you’re struggling with anticipatory grief, there are groups and forums you can turn to for support – like this one from MacMilian Cancer Support. You may find comfort from posting in the different support groups and talking to members who are going through the same thing. 

Here are some other ways you can support yourself through anticipatory grief: 

Acknowledge how you’re feeling 

It’s natural to try and bottle your emotions when trying to cope with anticipatory grief. You may find it hard to talk about the prospect of a loved one dying, causing you to feel isolated and alone. There’s also the constant worry of when it might happen.  

Instead of trying to face things by yourself, acknowledge how you’re feeling and seek support from friends and family who are going through the same experience. You can also get help by clicking on this Cruse Signposting Information Booklet produced by bereavement charity Cruse with information on many different support organisations.  Remember – you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.  

Have the difficult conversations early 

As challenging as it may be, having those difficult conversations with your loved one before they pass can save you unnecessary stress and heartache in the future. Speaking to them about their funeral wishes and end-of-life arrangements will not only prepare you for what lies ahead, but also ensures their wishes are respected.  

This open and honest communication can bring a sense of peace during an emotionally tough time, allowing you to focus on providing the love and support your loved one needs as they approach the end of their life. If you need guidance, our experienced team can help talk you through your options.  

Say goodbye to your loved one 

While it’s difficult to accept that your loved one will one day no longer be here, saying goodbye will help bring a sense of peace when the time comes. Take time to reflect on precious moments you’ve shared and take comfort from knowing that your loved one will pass knowing how deeply they are loved and cherished. If you’re loved one feels up to it, you may also want to visit places that are special to you both.  

Take time for yourself 

You might not feel up to it, but now’s the time to take care of yourself. Simple things like running a bath, reading a book and enjoying a nice meal can help bring a sense of normality to your life – even if only for an hour or two. 

When you lose someone you love, meeting others who can relate to how you feel can help. We offer a kind, supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. We promise you a warm welcome from our experienced and compassionate team along with tea, coffee and cake! This event is FREE for anyone bereaved in the local community surrounding the Park. Book your space at your nearest Park today. 

 

Christmas is a time of joy, celebration and spending time with loved ones. But for those dealing with a loss, it’s a time tinged with sadness. Christmas can bring grief to the forefront, serving as a painful reminder of the people who are no longer with us. Even if the death occurred many years ago, it’s important to understand how to support someone through their grief at Christmas so that they know they have someone to lean on should they need a friendly ear.

This blog will give you advice on what to say and what to do to help those who struggle with their grief at Christmas.

Don’t avoid speaking about Christmas

It’s natural to avoid speaking about Christmas if you don’t know how to approach the subject. But this can make the person who’s grieving feel more alone. Instead, it’s better to acknowledge that it will be a difficult time and that you’re always there for the person if they need support.

If you plan to send a Christmas card, write a message from the heart. Name the person who died and share a memory to help ease the pain. You may even raise a smile.

Reach out

While you’ve undoubtedly got a million things to think about before Christmas day, set aside some time to reach out to your friend or relative. A simple text or phone call can go a long way in making them feel less isolated when everyone around them is busy gearing up for the big day. Ask them how they’re feeling and allow them to speak about their loss if they feel up to it.

Try not to leave it too long in between texts. It’s easy to read a message and forget about it, intending to reply when you’re less busy. But keep the conversation going as long as your friend or family member needs.

Listen without interrupting

Those dealing with grief often find it hard to open up during the Christmas period. When everyone else is having fun going to Christmas parties and listening to festive music, they keep feelings bottled up to avoid bringing the mood down. Unfortunately, this ends up leaving their grief feeling far worse.

It’s important to offer your friend or relative the opportunity to get their emotions out. Allow the person grieving to speak about their feelings by creating a safe space for them to open up as honestly as they want to. Don’t interrupt, make comparisons or offer unwarranted advice. Simply make a cup of tea, provide the mince pies and lend a tentative ear.

Extend an invitation but support their choice

Christmas can be a lonely time for those suffering a loss. While your friend or family member may not be up for the festivities this year, extend an invitation so they know they’re welcome. It may be that they’d rather be on their own, but they’re bound to appreciate the thoughtful gesture, nonetheless. Likewise, if they choose to decline, respect their decision and try again the following year.

Christmas often loses its shine after a loss – at least in the immediate aftermath. Many people prefer to treat the 25th of December like any other day while they try to cope with their grief.

Offer help

If your friend or relative chooses to celebrate Christmas, offer to help them wrap gifts, prepare food or pick up last-minute stocking fillers. When people struggle, they tend to carry on regardless. The offer of help could be the thing they need to get through the festive period intact. Even if they don’t take you up on it, it’s a kind and thoughtful thing to do.

Keep the conversation going after Christmas

Grief is ongoing. Even when Christmas is over and done with, your friend or relative still has to deal with the tidal wave of emotions as time goes on. Remember to keep checking in on them beyond Christmas. It’s true that the festive period can be the most painful time, but grief is far from linear. They will appreciate your love and support, regardless of the season.

If you’re suffering from grief this Christmas or you know someone who is, you’re welcome to join us at your local GreenAcres Living Memorial Park for our Christmas Remembrance Service. Whether this is your first Christmas without this special person or the time of year that makes the memories that little bit harder, our Christmas Remembrance Service can be a lovely way to spend time reflecting.

It may also help to connect with others who have lost someone too. We have a wonderful nurturing community through our GreenAcres Bereavement Cafés, which run once a month in every Park; please see our events page for more information. Find out more by visiting the events page on our website.

Getting through Christmas after a bereavement is difficult enough without having to cope with New Year celebrations, too. While most of us look forward a fresh start with excitement about what’s to come, those suffering from grief are often left reflecting on happier times.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or daunted about the prospect of a new year without the person you lost, we’ve got advice on how to cope. Read on for more.

Give yourself some time to rest

Whether you celebrated Christmas or decided to give the festivities a miss, the build-up is still a chaotic time. Coupled with the exhaustion of grief, it’s more important than ever that you give yourself enough time to recover – both mentally and physically.

That doesn’t mean you have to slow down or stop what you’re doing altogether – you just need to take some time to rebuild. Eat healthy meals, get plenty of sleep, enjoy some light exercise and, most importantly, try not to pack your social calendar with too many activities. That way, you’re not putting yourself under too much pressure to get back to some kind of normality before you’re ready.

Reach out to friends and family

It’s not always easy to talk to friends and family about grief, but sharing memories about your loved one can help bring a sense of closure. Talking to those that knew the deceased can also make the loss feel slightly less overwhelming. Ignoring your grief will only worsen the pain, causing you to go into the new year with an uphill battle to climb.

This New Year, you might like to swap the celebrations for a night in sharing fond memories with your loved ones. And if you’re feeling up to it, why not raise a toast to the person who passed?

Attend a support group

When you lose someone you love, meeting others who can relate to how you feel can help. Our Bereavement Cafés offer a kind, supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. We promise you a warm welcome from our experienced and compassionate team, along with tea, coffee and cake! This event is free for anyone bereaved in the local community surrounding the Park – just turn up at an event that suits you.

We’re hosting plenty of other grief events over the next year, too, so feel free to get involved as often as you like.

Be brave and try something new

Bereavement is a difficult process to go through, but dealing with a loss also brings new beginnings. If you’re feeling brave, why not use this opportunity to try something you’ve never done before? You could take up that hobby you’ve always wanted to do, or join a community – like a book club or walking group. Many of our Bereavement Café attendees say that while building new connections is scary, meeting like-minded people can be a positive experience.

Live one day at a time

Instead of looking too far into the new year, take each day as it comes. We’re all guilty of putting too much pressure on ourselves to meet goals, make plans and chase self-improvement on January 1st. But when coping with grief, this only adds to the suffering.

This year, ditch the New Year’s resolutions and switch your focus to self-care. You could pick up a good book, indulge in your favourite hobby or complete a new skincare routine. If you do want to make a couple of resolutions, however, make them achievable and don’t worry if you need to abandon them later on down the line.

Don’t feel guilty about saying no

As you go into a new year, keep reminding yourself it’s okay to say no. If you’re invited out but don’t feel like going, you don’t need to feel guilty for turning the invite down. Instead, it’s important that you take life at a pace you’re comfortable with, which may involve spending some time on your own to grieve.

Try meditation

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed at any point during the new year, why not try some easy 5-minute meditation techniques? It doesn’t matter if you haven’t meditated before – just use your instincts to guide you. These steps will help get you started:

  1. Place some cushions on the floor and lie on your back. Close your eyes and start breathing in and out slowly, becoming attuned to your body.
  2. As soon as you’re ready, imagine you’re rising above yourself and looking down.
  3. Pay close attention to everything you’re feeling at that moment. Allow the thoughts and feelings to progress, even if they don’t make sense.
  4. Then, centre your thoughts back to your breathing. Feel the rise and fall of your chest. Keep taking deep breaths in and out. Stay like this for a few minutes – or longer, if you need it.
  5. When you’re ready, imagine yourself returning to your body and slowly open your eyes. Give yourself a few seconds to adjust before attempting to get up.

At GreenAcres Living Memorial Parks, you’re never alone. You can find a range of helpful blog posts to guide you through your grief on our website.

You’ll also find a wealth of resources over on The Grief Channel. The Grief Channel is dedicated to normalising conversations around grief, death and dying. Grief can be incredibly tough, but is a natural part of life and can be transformative, instead of being something to be feared and locked away. Their mission is to share knowledge and stories that people can relate to, and to provide solace and support.

Listening to other people’s experiences can be a real comfort, too – particularly if you’re struggling to focus. Cruse Bereavement Group has put together a list of podcasts to help with grief and loss. It covers everything, from insightful interviews to funny discussions with comedians.

Christmas is a holiday synonymous with joy, togetherness and celebration. But amidst the twinkling lights and festive cheer, the festive season can amplify the ache of no longer having loved ones around. After a loss, you may feel guilty about celebrating Christmas with surviving friends and family. While these emotions are unlikely to fade away in the run-up to Christmas, it’s important that you find a path that honours your grief and allows you to embrace moments of joy.

We recognise that grief is different for everyone, so this blog will guide you through the mixed emotions you may feel throughout the Christmas season.

Should I celebrate Christmas?

Deciding whether to celebrate Christmas after a loved one dies is a deeply personal choice based on your emotions and individual circumstances. Some find comfort in upholding traditions, using them to honour and cherish the memories of loved ones who are no longer around. Others may choose to bypass the celebrations to try and come to terms with their loss through quiet reflection.

There’s no right or wrong answer. Choosing whether to celebrate Christmas or not is all about honouring your feelings and respecting the journey you are on with your grief, regardless of what other people may think.

How to navigate Christmas after someone dies

After the loss of a loved one, Christmas Day is likely to look and feel very different from your usual celebration. That’s not to say you can’t enjoy the day, but pre-empting the difficult moments will help you be more prepared. Here are some tips on how you can guide yourself through the festive season:

Share your plans with loved ones

Your friends and family are bound to be concerned about you spending time alone, so it’s a good idea to inform them about your Christmas plans in advance. The thought of being around a large group of people may be too overwhelming for you as you work through your grief. That’s completely normal, but letting your loved ones know ahead of time will help ease their concerns and allow them to offer support in a way that respects your needs.

Similarly, if you want to join in with the celebrations, inform your friends and family so they can include you in their plans. They’ll be more than happy to have you there, even if you can only manage an hour or two in company.

Embrace new traditions

If you find yourself feeling indifferent, resentful or apathetic towards your festive traditions, you might want to celebrate Christmas slightly differently. Traditions you once shared with the person you lost can trigger feelings of sadness and grief, making it feel like the festive period is something you need to get through instead of enjoying. If so, introducing new traditions and festivities may help you move through your grief.

Alternatively, you may find comfort in keeping the same traditions. Don’t feel guilty about doing the things that bring you joy throughout the festive season. If you feel up to it, put up your decorations, bake your favourite Christmas treats and watch your beloved festive films. No one will think any differently of you for finding happiness in the things that bring you comfort.

Leave a seat at the table for your loved one

After the death of a loved one, you may be faced with an empty chair at the dinner table. Instead of seeing a vacant space, try to focus on what the chair represents. Your loved one may no longer be around, but their seat at the table symbolises love, memories and the special moments you shared when they were alive. You may also want to light a candle or put a picture of your loved one in front of their seat to bring them into your Christmas celebration.

As you gather with your family and friends this Christmas, raise a glass to your loved one. They’ll be with you in spirit.

Try something new

Some of our families take comfort from trying something completely different at Christmas. If you don’t feel up to celebrating the festivities in your usual way, you could take the opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted – like going on holiday or spending a few days away from home.

Don’t be afraid of the tears

When Christmas arrives, you may shed a tear or two. It’s natural to bottle up your feelings in fear of putting a dampener on celebrations, but tears are never a negative thing. Crying is healthy and completely normal, especially at Christmas. Your loved ones will understand and will be there to put their supportive arm around your shoulder.

Our monthly Bereavement Cafés are held within the beautiful landscapes of our Parks where you can feel the uplifting and healing power of nature around you. You will find a kind, supportive space with understanding from others who are also living life after loss. Find out more here.

If you have a loved one who’s grieving and needs support this Christmas, read our blog for advice on what to say and do.

Have you ever wondered what a day in the life of a Celebrant holds? Across our GreenAcres Parks we have the privilege of working alongside these special people who guide families through celebrating the lives of their loved ones. Becky Lee from Daisy Chain Celebrant Services shares her story with us… 

“In 2014 my mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour, but a full recovery was expected…” 

After caring for her during her rehabilitation, the devastating news came that she had less than three months to live.  

My lovely mum faced her mortality with bravery and died in January 2015. The light at the end of this dark tunnel was I was expecting a baby. I would be following a new path in life, one of motherhood. But, as it turns out, through her death, she also left me the legacy to help other families, and become a dedicated Celebrant.  

 

Traditional and unique ceremonies

Following the initial training I found a lot of my previous career carried over – I worked for twenty years in television production, mostly in documentaries, producing and directing. Often in the subject matter of natural disasters – I went storm chasing for tornados, up volcanoes and to hurricane hit towns. This meant I was interviewing people at the worst time of their lives when they had lost everything. It certainly gave a sobering perspective of life. 

I try to be the calm after the storm of losing someone you love and draw on that past experience. I interview families with kindness and compassion, writing the final script of a person’s life and creating the picture of their being.  

I am there to work out logistics so on the day of a service everything runs as smoothly as possible for the family. Of course, being empathic and patient with the bereaved comes with the job – but also working to a schedule, keeping up with changes and making sure everything comes together on the day is paramount – there’s only one chance to deliver.   

As a civil Celebrant I can slide the scale between a traditional funeral ceremony or completely unique. Many services have no religious content, but I can also include prayers, blessings and hymns – it’s whatever the family wishes – it’s their service, not mine. I can guide, advise and make suggestions but ultimately, I create a bespoke service that they approve before the day.

People often ask if it’s depressing working within the funeral profession – in fact, it’s the opposite – I appreciate life and the little things. Each week, each day brings new challenges and it’s good to work with so many other dedicated professionals in the bereavement sector working to support families.  

Being independent means, I work with many different Funeral Directors and at many locations – people often come to me first now to ask for advice on where to go and who to use when someone dies. It’s an evolving profession with many people like myself trying to break down the taboo of talking about death.  

 

Offering different options

There are so many options nowadays and there’s nothing wrong with research to think about wishes for a funeral – of course to also budget. As the old saying goes, ‘bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better.’  

There’s the location, the coffin, the transport, the music, readings, photo slideshows… some of my services are very traditional and formal, some are themed for example as a flight for an air-steward, or newspaper reports for a journalist. The coffin doesn’t have to arrive in a hearse – it can be on a motorbike sidecar or a truck!  

Flowers don’t have to be a ‘wreath’ – single flowers can make up the tribute on the day – or even vegetables for the allotment lover. I’ve poured a pint of lager to place on the coffin and also had a remembrance table of objects to take us through a service. And music? Anything goes… don’t think in terms of ‘funeral music’ – think in terms of reflecting a life – from musicals to Metallica – from the Archers to F1. Anything is acceptable.  

And of course, you can take into account the eco-credentials of a funeral as well nowadays. Biodegradable coffins from cardboard or willow for example and natural burial spaces such as the beautiful grounds offered by GreenAcres.  

 

Each funeral is different

I now live in Twickenham with my young daughter and have been a self-employed full time Celebrant for nearly seven years, having written and officiated hundreds of funeral services – there’s not much I haven’t been asked and situations have been wide and varied – each funeral is different just as we as humans are each different. Death will come to us all and so being prepared; is the best legacy you can leave.

Thank you to Becky for giving us an insight into her world. If you would like more information on her Celebrant services, please visit her website. 

For more details on funeral planning please visit our website blogs.  

 

Taking place from 9-15th October, Baby Loss Awareness Week is a time to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss. Among those affected are children who may have lost a much loved or much hoped-for sibling.

Children and young people grieve just as deeply as adults, but they show it in different ways. When your baby dies, it can feel difficult to know how to tell your child and support them.

We’re here to support you, so this blog will help you talk to children about grief and encourage them to share their feelings. Read on for more information.

Understanding how children may feel

After the death of a sibling, a child may feel a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to confusion and worry. They may also feel concerned that they or another family member might die.

Younger children often move in and out of their grief very rapidly, sometimes seeming sad and then suddenly wanting to play. This ‘puddle jumping’ is normal and is a young child’s way of coping with difficult emotions.

Children under five may show their distress with disrupted sleep, altered appetite and less interest in play. There may be a regression in skills such as language or toilet training, or they might become anxious about the dark when going to bed.

‘Magical thinking’ is a characteristic of primary age children meaning that they may believe their thoughts and actions caused someone to die or that somehow, they can make the person come back. Answering questions and giving age-appropriate information is key to supporting children at this age.

Teenagers may become withdrawn and ‘act out’ their distress through behaviours. Keeping to the usual boundaries of acceptable behaviour can be reassuring for bereaved young people and give them a sense of security when everything else might feel out of control.

As well as changes in behaviour, some children may react physically with headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, sleep problems and appetite loss.

With support from family, most children will not need professional help. However, if you have any concerns, you may find it helpful to talk to your GP or to seek help from a bereavement group.

Explain what has happened

It’s important to tell your child that your baby has died as soon as possible in a safe, comfortable and familiar environment. If telling your child feels overwhelming for you, enlist someone close to you to help break the news. Don’t be afraid to tell your child that you’re feeling upset and finding it hard to talk. It’s best to be as open and honest as possible.

How much detail you choose to share depends on your child’s age and understanding.  Let your instincts guide you and if you’re not sure what to say, ask your child what they know so that you can gauge their level of understanding, allowing them to steer the conversation if they feel confident enough. They’re likely to have questions, so try to answer them as best you can, or they may fill the gaps with scary or anxious thoughts.

Child Bereavement UK has resources that can help you find the right words, including telling a child someone has died and a short guidance film.

Use simple language

Try to use simple language that is appropriate to your child’s age and understanding. Avoid using euphemisms such as ‘sleeping’ which can suggest your baby will wake, or ‘lost’ which suggests they can be found. Instead, use real words such as ‘dead’ and ‘died’.  Child Bereavement UK suggests saying the following to a young child if a baby is stillborn, for instance: ‘While still inside mummy’s tummy our baby died before they were born, which is very sad.’

Depending on how old your child is, you may have to explain what has happened repeatedly as their understanding develops. As they get older and their understanding grows, a child may revisit their grief and have additional questions and concerns.

Show your emotions

Don’t be afraid to show your emotions in front of your child. It’s natural to want to put a brave face on, but it’s important to show that crying is a normal reaction to grief. Reassure your child that you’re not crying because of them or something they’ve done.  By sharing your feelings with your child, you can demonstrate that it’s OK to show sadness. If you are open, your child will feel able to share their emotions too.

Encourage your child to grieve

Finding ways to remember their baby brother or sister is an important part of the grieving process. Encourage them to draw pictures, make a memory box or write a letter to their sibling. These small things can help them maintain a connection with their sibling and gives them a chance to say goodbye.  Child Bereavement UK’s animation, Remembering someone special who has died, suggests ways children and young people can remember someone important to them who has died.

A very young child, toddler, or even a baby can go to a funeral with the rest of the family. Although they may not understand what is happening at the time, when they are older, they will appreciate that they were a part of this important event along with everyone else. Ask someone close to your child to join you in case your child gets upset or becomes restless and wants to go out. It may be hard to have to deal with your own grief and theirs.

Child Bereavement UK has created two animations which can help you prepare a child for a funeral – Explaining funerals to children -what happens at a burial? and Explaining funerals to children- what happens at a cremation?

Maintain a routine

Children feel safe and comforted by following a routine. While your days may look slightly different, if possible, try to keep certain things the same – like a daily bath, a trip to the park or a bedtime story. Maintaining familiarity is reassuring for children – especially at a younger age. If you need to be away for any time, let your child know for how long and who will be looking after them.

Ask for help

Don’t be afraid to ask a loved one for help. For example, a grandparent or friend may be able to take your children to school, giving you some time and space to grieve and to try to find time to look after yourself.

There are also many charities and support groups that you can turn to. For example, Child Bereavement UK provides confidential support, information and guidance to individuals, families and professionals throughout the UK. The support team is available to respond to calls, Live Chat or email from 9am – 5pm, Monday to Friday (except bank holidays).  Call 0800 02 888 40 or email [email protected].  For Live Chat, click here.

Join us for our Baby Loss Service

Now in its 22nd year, Baby Loss Awareness Week is a wonderful opportunity to bring our community together and give everyone touched by the loss of a baby a safe and supportive space to share their experiences and feel they are not alone. Join us and other families for our special services at our Living Memorial Parks and light a candle in memory of all babies that have gone too soon. Please join us after the service for tea and cake. Everyone is welcome!

Services will be taking place in Chiltern, Epping and Kemnal Park. Book onto a service here.

Visit Child Bereavement UK’s website for more information and guidance on supporting a child or young person when a baby dies.

It’s traditional for mourners to wear black at a funeral. But with ceremonies becoming more personal, black funeral attire is not always the norm. Now that brighter clothes are more common at funerals than ever before, you may be feeling stumped about what to wear. Don’t worry – we’ve got some tips and advice on how to dress for a funeral.

Black clothes vs bright colours

According to a study by YouGov,  only 22% of people see black funeral attire as a requirement at funerals. In comparison, 29% believe that any colour is acceptable. In Western culture, black is the traditional colour of mourning. This dates back to Roman times when families of the deceased would wear a type of toga in a dark colour. Many centuries later, Queen Victoria famously became a symbol of mourning by wearing black for 40 years after the death of her beloved husband, Prince Albert.

These days, brighter colours have become a symbol of celebration, bringing comfort to friends and families of the deceased. Some people like to dress up in vibrant colours and bold prints to represent their loved one’s personality. Others choose to wear football shirts to commemorate their life through their favourite team.

Ultimately, what colour you wear is up to the deceased’s family. If you’re ever in doubt, ask for clarity about the colour before the funeral. If this isn’t possible, it’s better to play it safe by wearing dark colours.

Funeral outfit ideas for women

As a rule of thumb, it’s best to stick to formal colours as much as possible. As we’ve already established, black is the colour of mourning, but dark grey is also acceptable. You can also include a flash of colour in your outfit – something like burgundy or dark green. However, unless the dress code says otherwise, don’t choose anything too vibrant and make sure dark colours make up the majority of your attire. Whatever you choose to wear, make sure it’s something you feel comfortable in. Funerals are difficult, so don’t make life harder for yourself by wearing something that makes you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious.

Here are some outfit ideas:

Tie your look together with black boots, heels or shoes.

Funeral outfit ideas for men

There tends to be less versatility with men’s funeral outfits, which makes it easier to put something together. Here are some easy outfits you could wear:

A smart short-sleeve shirt is fine in summer. Make sure it’s plain and has no bold prints or bright trims. Cotton and linen fabrics will also keep you cool.

What should children wear to a funeral?

You can be a bit more flexible when it comes to what children wear at a funeral. You don’t have to overthink their outfit as long as they look smart and feel comfortable – especially if they’ve never been to a funeral before.

Consider these options for girls:

For boys:

Are there any clothes that are inappropriate for a funeral?

Dressing respectfully at a funeral is vital. Bold and bright colours are only acceptable if they’re specified as the dress code by the family. The same goes for wild prints. Subtle prints are absolutely fine – as long as they blend in with the black fabric.

You should avoid wearing the following:

Football tops are unacceptable unless the family has specifically stated they want mourners to wear them to the funeral. If wearing a football top has sentimental meaning, then ask the family for permission beforehand. It’s best to respect their wishes if they say no.

It sounds obvious and is something that gets overlooked because of the emotions involved with a funeral, but before the day make sure that whatever you’ve chosen to wear is clean and stain-free. There’s nothing worse than realising you need to have something washed or dry cleaned on the day you need to wear it.

A traditional funeral might not be for you. If you’re planning your own funeral or organising a ceremony for a person you love, read our blog post on how you can make it a more personal affair.

When someone dies, you may want to send their loved ones a message of sympathy. But finding the right words can be extremely difficult, especially if you find yourself overthinking what to say.

While many of us worry about writing the wrong thing, there’s no ‘right’ way to express your condolences. A short message to show that you’re thinking of the friends and family members left behind is more than enough. After all, it’s the thought that counts the most.

If you’re struggling to write a message of sympathy, we’ve got some tips and advice on what to think about along with some ideas to get you started.

Hand write the letter

While you can type up a letter or buy pre-written sympathy cards, it’s far more personal if you hand write your message of sympathy. You can write the message inside a card if you wish, but try to include a more personalised note mentioning the deceased if you can.

A hand written message feels more sincere, and is a respectful way to show how the person who died left a lasting impression.

Keep it simple

Your message of sympathy doesn’t have to be long. As long as you write your letter from the heart, you can show you care in a few simple words.

If you’re struggling to find the right thing to say, think about what you might like to read if you were in the other person’s shoes. You won’t be able to ease their pain, but you can at least let them know you’re thinking of them in this difficult time.

Acknowledge their loss

When someone dies, it’s natural to feel unsure about how to approach the situation. While you don’t need to talk about how the person died, acknowledge the loss and express how sorry you are. Tiptoeing around the subject can make things feel more painful for the bereaved.

You could say something like:

Some people find it hard to accept condolences, but it still helps to know that the person who died was loved and respected. Whatever you write, let your heart guide you. You can always go back and tweak your message in a second draft if you need to.

Share a memory

Writing about a fond memory you have of the person who died may bring some comfort to the bereaved. Sharing memories is also one of the best ways to keep their spirit alive.

By expressing how those memories made you feel in your message of sympathy, you can bring a few moments of happiness to the bereaved. You may also remind yourself of some fond times in the process. This can help you with your own grieving process.

Offer your support

If you’re in a position to help the bereaved, let them know in your sympathy message. They’re bound to have lots to sort out, so they may be happy to take you up on your offer. You could offer to do the weekly shop, bring them some homecooked meals or help with the funeral arrangements.

If you make any promises, be sure to keep them. The bereaved will need people they can rely on when times get tough.

Finish the message with kind and compassionate words

End your message with a few thoughtful words to reiterate your support and condolences. At this point, try to avoid giving words of advice. Though you undoubtedly mean well, everyone grieves differently. What worked for you may not work for them. Instead, you could say something like:

Leave an address so that the bereaved can reach you if they wish to get in contact.

If you’re dealing with grief, we’re here to help. You may find it helpful to connect with others who have lost someone too. We have a wonderful nurturing community through our Bereavement Cafés, which run once a month in every Park; please see our events page for more information. Find out more by visiting the events page on our website.